The Tenets of American Christian Theology

To the church of the United States of America and all those who look to its influence, blessings be upon you. Though there is no single church or denomination that can define a country - especially one as large as the United States - the overall ethos that pervades its culture is also its projected church.

It is time to turn the mirror to this church by proclaiming the tenets of American Christian Theology. The tenets of any faith represent its theological underpinnings and are what grounds its perspective and drives its moral core. These tenets are the lens through which the country collectively asserts itself in the world. 

To be clear these tenets are all falsehoods that the American Christian church tells itself. These tenets do not thoughtfully reflect the gospel of Christ but are rather rooted in selective biblical literalism, social Darwinism, twisted misappropriations of the animal kingdom, opportunistic and revisionist reinterpretations of tradition, and blatantly oppressive attempts at asserting power. Nevertheless, they must be declared if they are to be addressed.

These are the tenets of American Christian Theology:

1. God is male. God is HE. God has a penis and testicles. God is fueled by holy testosterone. Testosterone is the most holy hormone that is to be revered as the driving force of all things. God is the ultimate alpha, the ultimate sigma, the ultimate powerhouse of muscle and bone-crushing aggression. As such, God is interested only in fighting, fucking, and the overall domination of the universe that he created.

2. Males are the pinnacle of creation. God is male so God created men to be the apex of creation. Men are the closest thing to God that there is on the planet and in the entirety of the universe. God created men in his image - the image of God is man. Men are meant to be aggressive, strong, and dominant. They should never show weakness. They should procreate whenever they want with whomever they want. Men must always be in positions of power at work, at home, and anywhere. Men must welcome the violence and aggression that comes from being male and should be prepared at all times for it. 

3. Females are inferior to men. Females were created for males as an afterthought by God. Women were created from a piece of a man and so will always be less than men. Women are the cause of the original sin and they are to be treated as such. A woman’s place is inferior and secondary to men in all things. Women were put on this earth to pleasure men and have babies, that is their only purpose. Once married, or even in a relationship, women’s submission to men must be absolute because men are the ultimate creation. 

4. Heterosexuality is the only acceptable form of relationship. Males must only mate with females and females must only mate with males and sex is only for mating and producing children. Homosexuality and any other type of sexual identity is unacceptable. 

5. Fetuses, unborn babies, are the ultimate blessing from God. At the moment of conception, God anoints women to be the vessel of new life. The unborn baby must be protected at all costs. Women are inferior, so they do not need to be protected except as the vessel of this new life. 

6. Children are meaningless. After birth, and until adulthood, children do not matter. While it is wise to talk about children as if they are important, they do not actually matter to God. The only thing that is important for children is that they are educated to become adults that adhere to these tenets. 

7. White skin is at the pinnacle of human image. Paler skin is a sign of purity and a clear indication of their distance from darkness. God is white and pure as well, therefore God is a white man. Thus white men are the pinnacle of mankind and should be revered as such. All other skin tones are physical manifestations of distance from God.

8. Richness and wealth are blessings. God shows his blessing to people on earth by giving them wealth. The wealthier the person is the more blessed they are by God. The blessing of wealth means that rich people have already inherited the kingdom of God on earth. The wealthy are therefore to be understood as the best people, the smartest, the wisest, the most deservedly privileged. Any person who is rich is Godly and all people should strive to be rich as their top priority because that means they are blessed.

9. Poor people deserve to be poor. God’s blessing is wealth, so God’s condemnation is poverty. Poor people must be treated like dirt and do not deserve society’s attention or assistance. They are like weights, dragging everyone else down. If you are poor, you are rejected by God and should try harder to become rich.

10. Everything is destined and preordained. God has a plan for all things and the world cannot be changed. All good things that happen come from God, and all bad things that happen are a sign of punishment from God. If something happens that you like, it is because of God’s plan. If something happens that you do not like, it is also God’s plan. All things are part of God’s preordained holy purpose.

11. God grants wishes to people who pray enough and pray the right way. Prayer is a way to ask God for wishes, like a genie grants wishes. Pray hard enough, be good enough, and God may grant you your wishes. No wish is too menial to ask for but it really all depends on if it was God’s plan already. 

12. God is eager to punish all evil. God is not love. God is wrath. God is gleefully ready to destroy all things that are evil. God is vengeful, wrathful, aggressive, mean, and angry. If God is disobeyed, God will destroy.

13. God wants His Kingdom to be forcefully spread throughout the earth. God loves conquest. The Bible was written to be used as a weapon of this conquest. Any person who is truly holy should be determined to oppress others, condemn them with the words of the Bible, destroy evil, and spread the Kingdom. 

14. The ends always justify the means. God’s grace is ultimate so the end result of spreading God’s Kingdom and adhering to these tenets is always justified. God is merciful to those who have been chosen (rich people) and whatever they do is justified by their being chosen. Therefore whatever means are taken can be justified by the end of fulfilling the purpose of God. 

    
    

15. No other version of God, theology, or morality should ever be accepted. Anyone who speaks against these tenants is a heretic, pretender, unholy, demonic, and/or otherwise wrong about everything.